i'm not nearly as in control as i seem
struggling with the illusion of control
from the outside, it probably looks like i have it all together. i’ve been told before, usually in casual compliments, that i come off as calm, collected, and unflappable. you know the type—poised under pressure, organized, always with a plan. but what people don’t know is that underneath the surface of my "togetherness," there’s often a current of chaos swirling beneath me. i’ve become skilled at maintaining an external calm, but the truth is, i’m not nearly as in control as i seem.
it’s a funny thing, the way we learn to curate our public selves. over time, i’ve mastered the art of appearing composed. i manage responsibilities, commitments, deadlines, and expectations with the precision of someone who seems perfectly capable of juggling a dozen things at once. yet behind the scenes, it’s a different story. the balancing act is far more precarious than it looks, and sometimes, it feels like i’m one slip away from dropping everything.
it starts with small things. that ever-growing to-do list i keep on my phone? it’s a constant reminder of tasks that seem to multiply faster than i can check them off. then there’s my calendar, filled with color-coded appointments, meetings, and events that give the illusion of a well-structured life. but the truth is, half the time i’m just scrambling to keep up with it all, making mental notes to remember things i’m terrified of forgetting.
the funny part is, i’ve always prided myself on being a planner. plans are my safety net. they give me a sense of control, an anchor in the chaos of life. but as i’ve gotten older, i’ve come to realize that control is more of an illusion than a reality. no matter how carefully i plan, life has a way of throwing curveballs that derail everything in a second. and the more i try to control, the more out of control i feel when things inevitably don’t go according to plan.
control is fragile. it takes just one unexpected event, one misstep, one bad day, to send everything spiraling. but the part that really messes with me is how deeply i’ve internalized the belief that i should be in control, that not having everything together is somehow a failure. when things go wrong, i don’t just feel disappointed. i feel inadequate, like i’ve let myself and everyone else down.
i don’t think i’m alone in this. we live in a world that values control, productivity, and the appearance of competence. social media doesn’t help. we scroll through carefully curated feeds where everyone else seems to have their life perfectly under control—beautiful vacations, impeccable work-life balance, endless productivity hacks. it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if everyone else is managing just fine, then we should be able to as well.
but what no one tells you is that most of us are just faking it. the illusion of control is comforting, sure, but it’s also misleading. behind every calm, composed exterior, there’s probably a fair amount of scrambling, second-guessing, and panicking that goes unseen. i’ve had countless moments where i’ve felt like a fraud—like i’ve managed to trick everyone into thinking i’ve got it together when in reality, i’m barely holding it together myself.
i often think back to one particularly humbling moment during my summer training in delhi. at the time, i felt like i had stepped into a role that i wasn’t entirely ready for. new city, new people, new challenges. i put on my best face—confident, capable, adaptable—when in reality, i was overwhelmed, anxious, and questioning whether i belonged there at all. everyone around me seemed so sure of themselves, while i was secretly floundering.
that moment taught me something important: there’s a huge difference between appearing in control and being in control. and sometimes, letting go of the need to appear in control is what helps you feel more grounded in reality. we spend so much time trying to keep up appearances, but there’s a certain freedom in acknowledging that we don’t have it all together—and that’s okay.
i’ll be honest: i still struggle with the need to maintain control. it’s part of my nature, and it’s deeply ingrained. but i’ve also started to loosen my grip on the idea that i need to have everything figured out all the time. instead of focusing on trying to control every little detail, i’ve been learning to embrace the uncertainty and imperfection of life. it’s not easy, but it’s a relief to realize that i don’t have to have everything under control in order to move forward.
one thing i’ve been working on is reframing my relationship with failure. for the longest time, i equated failure with a loss of control, a sign that i wasn’t doing things right. but i’ve started to see failure as a natural part of the process, not something to be avoided at all costs. when things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean i’ve failed—it just means i need to adjust and adapt. life is unpredictable, and trying to control every outcome is not only exhausting but impossible.
You’re allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
~Sophia Bush
so, here’s the truth: i’m not nearly as in control as i seem. i’m a planner who’s learning to embrace the messiness of life. i’m someone who likes to appear calm and collected, but who is often filled with doubt and uncertainty. and while i’m still figuring it out, i’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s okay to not always have everything together.
maybe the illusion of control isn’t something i need to hold onto so tightly. maybe the real strength lies in accepting that life is unpredictable, that we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. and maybe, just maybe, letting go of the need for control will allow me to live with a little more grace, a little more patience, and a lot more peace.
so, the next time you see me looking like i have everything under control, just know that beneath the surface, i’m probably just doing my best to keep up—just like everyone else.
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