Do you really get to unparalyse yourself from that numbness that has become somewhat familiar and comforting? Something you run back to every once in a while?
like you said, the numbness becomes comfortable. and i dont know if we always need to run back to it, its always there – right beside us, maybe supporting, maybe shielding. and i dont think we get to unparalyse, but i also feel like the numbness is much better barter for the constant anxiety and feeling of insufficiency we experience...
how did you perfectly depict what i'm feeling?? i've been telling myself that i'm tough and brave because i don't get too emotional, but the truth is i just mastered dimming my emotion. i needed to act like everything is not a big deal. i stopped myself from trying so if i failed, i wouldn't look so miserable. i wouldn't look like a foolish one, although in my heart i knew damn well i wanted so badly to pour my heart and soul into everything. i am so scared to test my potential, 'cause what if i give my best and don't succeed? then i have no reason to console myself or at least validate my failure by saying i hardly tried and i knew it would happen.
I get this a lot. Especially when I was constantly daydreaming about ideal life that is outside of my means. It made me have two different “lives”, one that is ideal and happy and another that was ordinary. I don’t say now that I grew out of it 100% but that self reflecting moment was essential for me and I honestly regret too much imagining because as much as it a coping mechanism for unresolved trauma, it paralyzes the person from actually experiencing the flaws of life. It sets unreal/high expectations that maybe doesn’t fit the means a person has at the moment or ever. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. Hope that you have a peaceful life soon.
Interestingly I wrote something similar today (feel free to check out my page) but a different angle. I really love this one as well and I definitely resonate with this. Can’t believe so many thoughts and experiences aren’t as original as we thought.
I love the way this written through an internal monologue we so often face. Knowing the benefits of implementing structure and the disadvantages of living and thinking unstructured where even though we passively acknowledge it, we never actively confront it. But when the monologue is expressed it offers a reachable method of confrontation
I remember the exact moment I chose, actively worked to want, hope, or desire anything in life. I tried really hard in school (math killed me!) but between bullies, lack of self soothing practices, and constantly being told I was lazy, I stopped asking for help. I gave up on college cause why hope? I blamed myself for not being good enough, that the light I used to feel inside was false and that I’d always wind up empty, let down and alone.
So I drifted. I went to college and excelled! I got an amazing job in San Fransisco and when I felt stagnant I moved to Atl. I had no plan I just figured I’d find a way.
And I did.
I’m successful on paper- bought a house alone. Went through heartache alone (I didn’t want to burden others) Achieved an amazing career people dream of.
But now I have time to think. About all the successes I’ve achieved that I never celebrated because they were never MY DREAM. MY GOAL.
And I’m screwing up the courage to TRY. To fail. To fill my life with the dreams I didn’t think I deserved.
I’m scared. I don’t know who I am if I talk too loud or say the wrong thing. If I fall am I strong enough to catch myself and rebuild?
I don’t know, but there’s a fire in my belly I’ve tried to ignore and the flames are seeping through my shield.
Anyway, I don’t mean to write all that, just, you’re not alone. And thank you for writing this
Totally connect with what you write or feel, I avoid planning or thinking abut my future dreams because what if things go wrong while I'm on my way there? What if something happens and I can't do what I had planned anymore? I'd be lost and blank and simply halt my life there emotionally, physically my body would react normal but mentally I would be still lost and dead and blank and not be able to think anymore..... Beautifully presented, hope you find rest amongst all the chaos in your head!
It took someone else for me to realize that life is a lot better when you allow yourself to dream and care.
I was stuck in my head for too long, but seeing them live with a similar passion and desire I once had inspired me to allow myself to live and not be paralyzed by disappointment.
Hey, you sound very hurt :( I believe that having intention is about how I choose to live / approach my life, and it's independent from others reactions/actions. Yes I will be disappointed if things don't turn out the way I wished, and I too have experienced deep pain from it. Eventually I realised I'm sadder if I'm not taking ownership over how I choose to show up vs others reactions towards me.
It is sad to see this. Maybe you should seek therapy. This reels of depression. To live like this is to protect yourself, put walls around yourself, not letting anything in good or bad. I hope it gets better!
Do you really get to unparalyse yourself from that numbness that has become somewhat familiar and comforting? Something you run back to every once in a while?
like you said, the numbness becomes comfortable. and i dont know if we always need to run back to it, its always there – right beside us, maybe supporting, maybe shielding. and i dont think we get to unparalyse, but i also feel like the numbness is much better barter for the constant anxiety and feeling of insufficiency we experience...
how did you perfectly depict what i'm feeling?? i've been telling myself that i'm tough and brave because i don't get too emotional, but the truth is i just mastered dimming my emotion. i needed to act like everything is not a big deal. i stopped myself from trying so if i failed, i wouldn't look so miserable. i wouldn't look like a foolish one, although in my heart i knew damn well i wanted so badly to pour my heart and soul into everything. i am so scared to test my potential, 'cause what if i give my best and don't succeed? then i have no reason to console myself or at least validate my failure by saying i hardly tried and i knew it would happen.
I get this a lot. Especially when I was constantly daydreaming about ideal life that is outside of my means. It made me have two different “lives”, one that is ideal and happy and another that was ordinary. I don’t say now that I grew out of it 100% but that self reflecting moment was essential for me and I honestly regret too much imagining because as much as it a coping mechanism for unresolved trauma, it paralyzes the person from actually experiencing the flaws of life. It sets unreal/high expectations that maybe doesn’t fit the means a person has at the moment or ever. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. Hope that you have a peaceful life soon.
Interestingly I wrote something similar today (feel free to check out my page) but a different angle. I really love this one as well and I definitely resonate with this. Can’t believe so many thoughts and experiences aren’t as original as we thought.
I love the way this written through an internal monologue we so often face. Knowing the benefits of implementing structure and the disadvantages of living and thinking unstructured where even though we passively acknowledge it, we never actively confront it. But when the monologue is expressed it offers a reachable method of confrontation
Thank you, i needed to read this.
II hate capitalism too man. I fear this is too leftist even for me.
I remember the exact moment I chose, actively worked to want, hope, or desire anything in life. I tried really hard in school (math killed me!) but between bullies, lack of self soothing practices, and constantly being told I was lazy, I stopped asking for help. I gave up on college cause why hope? I blamed myself for not being good enough, that the light I used to feel inside was false and that I’d always wind up empty, let down and alone.
So I drifted. I went to college and excelled! I got an amazing job in San Fransisco and when I felt stagnant I moved to Atl. I had no plan I just figured I’d find a way.
And I did.
I’m successful on paper- bought a house alone. Went through heartache alone (I didn’t want to burden others) Achieved an amazing career people dream of.
But now I have time to think. About all the successes I’ve achieved that I never celebrated because they were never MY DREAM. MY GOAL.
And I’m screwing up the courage to TRY. To fail. To fill my life with the dreams I didn’t think I deserved.
I’m scared. I don’t know who I am if I talk too loud or say the wrong thing. If I fall am I strong enough to catch myself and rebuild?
I don’t know, but there’s a fire in my belly I’ve tried to ignore and the flames are seeping through my shield.
Anyway, I don’t mean to write all that, just, you’re not alone. And thank you for writing this
V
thank you for this, victoria!
Nice writing
I write similar notes ,have a look and do subscribe if you like it
https://substack.com/@khan458064/note/c-124829202?r=5u67rf
I feel the same way💕 thanks for writing this
Totally connect with what you write or feel, I avoid planning or thinking abut my future dreams because what if things go wrong while I'm on my way there? What if something happens and I can't do what I had planned anymore? I'd be lost and blank and simply halt my life there emotionally, physically my body would react normal but mentally I would be still lost and dead and blank and not be able to think anymore..... Beautifully presented, hope you find rest amongst all the chaos in your head!
read this at work with tears down my face.
In order to avoid disappointment you have to say nothing, want nothing, be nothing.
Disappointment sucks but doing and being nothing suck more.
I just recently got out of that phase and I hate that I wasted so long in that state because living without intention - that's not living!
How did you do it?
It took someone else for me to realize that life is a lot better when you allow yourself to dream and care.
I was stuck in my head for too long, but seeing them live with a similar passion and desire I once had inspired me to allow myself to live and not be paralyzed by disappointment.
Hey, you sound very hurt :( I believe that having intention is about how I choose to live / approach my life, and it's independent from others reactions/actions. Yes I will be disappointed if things don't turn out the way I wished, and I too have experienced deep pain from it. Eventually I realised I'm sadder if I'm not taking ownership over how I choose to show up vs others reactions towards me.
It is sad to see this. Maybe you should seek therapy. This reels of depression. To live like this is to protect yourself, put walls around yourself, not letting anything in good or bad. I hope it gets better!
this was hard to read but in a cool way where i did not wanted to be confronted with the way im living as well