double edged sword
You know that little voice in your head? The one that notices everything? Yeah, mine's on overdrive. Like, I can't help it. Someone walks into a room, and boom, I'm already thinking, 'Oh, their shoes are a bit scuffed,' or 'Did they just hesitate before saying my name?'
And it's not just other people. I do it to myself too. Every time I say something, I'm replaying it in my head, wondering if I sounded stupid. Did I laugh too loud? Did I look awkward? It's exhausting.
I know everyone says they don't care what people think, but come on, really? We all do, don't we? It's like we're all secretly auditioning for something, trying to get a thumbs-up. Every conversation feels like a test. And the worst part is, I'm not exactly nice about it. I catch myself judging people way too harshly. Like, someone stumbles over their words, and instead of just thinking, 'Oh, they're nervous,' I'm thinking, 'Wow, that was awkward.'
And because I'm doing it to everyone else, I'm terrified they're doing it to me. I'm constantly worried someone's going to notice my flaws and think I'm a mess. I wish I could just relax and not care. But it's like a habit, a really bad habit. It's like I'm addicted to judging, even though it makes me miserable.
So, I'm stuck in this weird loop. I'm always watching, always worrying, always waiting for someone to notice how imperfect I am. It's like I'm living in a fishbowl, everyone can see me, and I can't escape. I'm constantly trying to read people's minds, trying to figure out if they secretly dislike me. Every little glance, every little pause, it feels like a clue. And honestly, it's making me feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit.
The desire to know your own self ends all other desires, said by Rumi and I strongly believe in it. Though I haven't completely experienced it yet but I'm on the way. One thing, you can't judge others and expect from them not to do the same. Work on yourself, at least try I'm damn sure that you will find your way.
A possible explanation of why we are judgmental is the relation between our judgments and our insecurities. We tend to judge others based on the factors we are most insecure about in ourselves - whether it is consciously or subconsciously. For example, if I was someone who was insecure about my clothing style, I would judge others based on the clothes they wear. I think realizing and rationalizing our own insecurities helps a lot with being less judgmental of others and of ourselves.