as someone who grew up taking immense pride of how much she read, i can count on both hand the amount of books i actually remember reading, even less the actual content of them. and now after years of being unable to actually enjoy most book i try to read (and half of the time leave unfinished or have to try several times in order to read them through), i’m torn between your question of “have i ever actually enjoyed reading or did i just like the attention and validation it brought me” and this falling out with it being due to the fact that social media has fried my brain as well as my attention span.
When I was younger I always wanted to be that girl with the head in the books, the one who reads all time and knows everything. The one who gets lost in all kind of stories maybe cause I thought it was really enjoyable, but I never could. After reading this my feeling of regret changed a bit, now I still want to be that girl, but the one who really enjoys.
When I used to read it was to make up for the lonliness ans friendless life I had, I realized books were my friends, far more interesting and amazing than anyone else would ever be. Also, I made them my friends, because it seemed, I probably was too weird for anyone to be friends with. I never seemed to be excelling at this friendship thing. And now as adult, i think I have fallen to the trap of reading the books which will make me look good, or at the least, the books which are classic, well known for its stories and elements, and Now I pick those books up and try hard to concentrate, it just seems it isnt enough. And worse, iit actually seems, I dont have time (or maybe that's an illusion or just an excuse to cover I am addicted to my phone and screen and I would read from screen but not from actual book) whereas I keep preaching I like physical books better
In about the same boat, I’ve been noticing that as a child I absolutely slurped up what books had to say bc I knew nothing else and it was peak curiosity that made me want to understand the world through a novel. Now I think I know more about the world which is what makes me less intrigued by what a book has to say but what keeps me going is that there’s always at least one page or line or even word of the books I read that provokes a thought in me and that makes it quite worth it. It is sad to think I may never be as engrossed by a book now as my childhood self once was
In the absence of an audience, why don't you try to be an audience and let the books perform? Maybe some books can pull you in, maybe some characters make you feel seen, maybe some stories make you clap, and maybe you won't need an audience to read but worlds waiting for you to dive in... as an explorer. It's a small yet difficult shift. I hope it helps.
This is so thought-provoking. I love reading so much but lately, my reading drags because I read books not because I love that particular genre but because I feel people would love me reading that or would see me as an intellectual person.
That's wrong. Making reading performative rather than enjoyable.
as someone who grew up taking immense pride of how much she read, i can count on both hand the amount of books i actually remember reading, even less the actual content of them. and now after years of being unable to actually enjoy most book i try to read (and half of the time leave unfinished or have to try several times in order to read them through), i’m torn between your question of “have i ever actually enjoyed reading or did i just like the attention and validation it brought me” and this falling out with it being due to the fact that social media has fried my brain as well as my attention span.
you get it!
You were able to articulate a feeling that I have kept deep in my heart for a long time. Thank you for this, it is so well done.
When I was younger I always wanted to be that girl with the head in the books, the one who reads all time and knows everything. The one who gets lost in all kind of stories maybe cause I thought it was really enjoyable, but I never could. After reading this my feeling of regret changed a bit, now I still want to be that girl, but the one who really enjoys.
When I used to read it was to make up for the lonliness ans friendless life I had, I realized books were my friends, far more interesting and amazing than anyone else would ever be. Also, I made them my friends, because it seemed, I probably was too weird for anyone to be friends with. I never seemed to be excelling at this friendship thing. And now as adult, i think I have fallen to the trap of reading the books which will make me look good, or at the least, the books which are classic, well known for its stories and elements, and Now I pick those books up and try hard to concentrate, it just seems it isnt enough. And worse, iit actually seems, I dont have time (or maybe that's an illusion or just an excuse to cover I am addicted to my phone and screen and I would read from screen but not from actual book) whereas I keep preaching I like physical books better
In about the same boat, I’ve been noticing that as a child I absolutely slurped up what books had to say bc I knew nothing else and it was peak curiosity that made me want to understand the world through a novel. Now I think I know more about the world which is what makes me less intrigued by what a book has to say but what keeps me going is that there’s always at least one page or line or even word of the books I read that provokes a thought in me and that makes it quite worth it. It is sad to think I may never be as engrossed by a book now as my childhood self once was
I appreciate your reflection
In the absence of an audience, why don't you try to be an audience and let the books perform? Maybe some books can pull you in, maybe some characters make you feel seen, maybe some stories make you clap, and maybe you won't need an audience to read but worlds waiting for you to dive in... as an explorer. It's a small yet difficult shift. I hope it helps.
This is so thought-provoking. I love reading so much but lately, my reading drags because I read books not because I love that particular genre but because I feel people would love me reading that or would see me as an intellectual person.
That's wrong. Making reading performative rather than enjoyable.
Thank you for sharing this.